Leo's birth story
Its hard to know where to begin with this story...I feel I should start at the end and work backwards really...because thats what I keep doing now!
Leo's birth happened by cesearean section at 11.09pm on Monday 26th September... a full 51 minutes before my own birthday! I had a feeling throughout my whole pregnancy that this baby would come on or close to my birthday so it was no surprise to me! The section itself was a great success...everything we had detailed on our 'just incase' plan the staff went to great lengths to ensure it happened; for us to discover the sex of our baby, for baby to be returned to me immediately for skin to skin, proud Dad even got to cut the cord down to its right length...something we never would have thought of but so glad our independent midwife Evony suggested at the time.
For me, I will always be grateful and never forget how it felt to hold my baby first. At first I was scared as I lay on the operating table, that was so small, to hold him. Justin, knowing how much this meant to me insisted I held him and I am so glad he did. With Reuben actual pictures of him were taken before I got to gaze upon his face, feel the weight of him in my arms and take in that new baby smell. This time here I was with this chunky, warm, wet beautiful baby on my chest. I smelled his head, with my hand I squeezed his peachy bum over and over again. He cried and cried and I loved the sound, and when I whispered into his ear that Mummy was here he stopped, and it was magic, he knew me and I knew him completely. Time at this point seemed to stop...everyone else around me disappeared and even though I wanted it for longer and in the context of a home waterbirth those precious moments were everything I had wanted.
The staff were fantastic, put us all at our ease and made the section a world apart from Reubens. I didn't feel so detached this time, and I felt that everything that was happening was because I chose it to be this way, which I had because I requested that section this time. It always feels such a weird thing to say that I chose it this time....because of all the ways for this to go this time this was my last wish. I wanted to birth my baby at home in water....sadly nature had taken that away from me and left me with no choice, and what felt like no control.
Control for me, this time, was so important. So I had to take back the reigns and head in a new direction this time. I would choose a section, I would see an end to all this and before I knew it I would be back home with my babies, my family and living our lives as a family of four....desperately trying to forget the pain of what should have been, but never could of been.
Rewinding back...labour had started in the early hours of Monday morning. Sunday evening I was groaning about what I thought was SPD pain...now I realise it was me shifting into labour! Sleep was sparse, and I did my best to stay hydrated and ate well...not wishing to repeat past mistakes! I woke Justin at 7 to say I thought things were moving...and they did move! I had my lovely pre labour pooing! and throughout the morning my show came away. I text Evony and Alice to give them a heads up that things were moving and thought I should have a bath. After this contractions came around every 5 mins and got stronger. I went on throughout the morning like this, using hypnobirthing and the birth ball to stay comfortable. I coped with it well and felt calm and in control. Everything felt more efficient this time around, the weight of the baby created enormous pressure in my pelvis and when I stood contractions got much stronger and closer together. Evony had suggested a change of scenary when I began to get despondant that things were moving slowly yet again.
We took a walk down at Porthleven Harbour, me Justin and Reuben. The change of scenary did help me to refocus...although I felt bloody stupid trying to disguise the fact I was in labour while walking! Every so often stopping against a wall and staring out to sea and breathing! I watched the waves and imagined my contractions doing the same thing, with just the same power and how strong I was to overcome them. When I grew tired we headed back home. Things seemed to up a notch and I had my first big wobble...wow when I didn't concentrate on breathing and flipped out the pain was much worse. I quickly pulled myself together and got back into it. Justin lit lavender candles in the bedroom, put on my hypnobirthing music and I sat on my birth ball and leaned over some cushions piled high on my bed. This gave me a chance to rest, and after a while I thought I could try the tens machine...this little thing became my saviour for the rest of the labour alongside the breathing. I am not sure if it helped the pain, but focussing on the pulsating feeling, and flicking the buttons was a welcome distraction...especially during the car journey!
Even Justin thought things were speeding up, so he went down to fill the pool and arranged for Reuben to be picked up by his Mum. He also called Alice and Evony who said it sounded good and to call them back in an hour.
Everything from here gets muddled in my head...by this point I had had contractions for 12 hours...as a multip. It was here that I knew that things didn't feel right, and I feared this labour would go the same way as Reubens...going on for days and getting exhausted. I think looking back it was at this point I could feel everything slipping away from me.
Evony and Alice decided to come out to see how I was doing. I never realised until later but Evony was observing me and timing when contractions were coming. I remember feeling so fed up at this point that things just would budge and progress. I asked Evony for a VE because I just felt if she went home and I didn't ask for one and carried on labouring all night then I would be angry with myself.
The VE was the turning point. It was heartbreaking, gutting, a relief, an answer, a closed door and an open one all in one! In some ways it was a surprise, in others it wasn't....my cervix hadnt dilated one bit. Evony had struggled to find it. I knew she hated telling me this, and this made it all the more harder because we had all gone on this journey together and all of us had invested something into it. We had grown close, and someone was having a bloody joke throwing this at us. Evony left Justin and I together to talk about it, and I just looked at Justin and said 'Right well the only question that needs answering is when we can go and have a section.' I know I said this really matter-of-factly but I think it was because I knew on some level...I hope I didn't incidently influence the course of events by thinking like that but I can't allow myself to go down that route. I don't know if I ever had enough faith in myself...so I guess I put on a brave face, and also my Mummy head I suppose. If I got there and had it done now, it would be over, I would have my baby before baby got tired and distressed, I would be back with Reuben before he knew it.
Justin just looked at me and tried to hold back tears, I told him not to do it because I would cry otherwise. He then took my hand and said 'I am just so gutted for you.' At this point I just sobbed and sobbed as I realised I was gutted for me too, I was also bloody angry. Why had MY body done this to me again? I had invested so much in this...hours of hypnobirthing, perineal massage, time, money, hope, tears...everything. I had involved others in my journey....Evony and Alice and felt such a responsibility to them to give them a beautiful birth too. And Justin... all I wanted to do was deliver our baby to him, by my own steam, I wanted him to be proud of me and awe of my power as a woman. I couldn't do any of that and it all hit me in that moment. But just as quickly as I had sobbed I pulled it back in and just began to think of all the logistics that lay ahead for the next step.
I won't forget how I felt as I told Alice and Evony that I had decided to go for a section and could they arrange it for me as quickly as possible. I felt like I was bailing but knew I couldn't go on for days like I did with Reuben. This wasn't a rash decision either because throughout the whole pregnancy Justin and I had agreed that if looked like the labour would last for days then we would say enough is enough this time and go to a section.
Alice and Evony suggested that I get into the pool and relax and try and give myself a little more time, even if I still felt the same way, the section may not be until the morning and at least I could relax. By this point staying at home, getting in the pool made me feel sick. I couldn't, by this point in my mind I was sat in Treliske signing the consent form. I needed an end now...I was desperate, scared, tired, in pain and was beginning not to to cope. I wanted to be in the ward recovering now so I could be home with my babies.
After lots of phone calls, and gathering up some bits for the hospital ( we never packed a bag as I wouldn't allow myself to think about it!) we set off for Treliske around 7.30pm having arranged to talk to the doctor there and be assessed. The car journey was horrible! I remember feeling so totally shellshocked at this point that I actually felt drunk...I remember confessing all to Evony..about how I knew secretely I would never be capable of that homebirth, and that everytime I watched an 'inspiring' birth video or heard a story that I would think 'Thats great for them, but I am not like that, it won't be like that for me.' I can't believe I was quite so honest but Evony was brilliant with it all and I think appreciated me for keeping it real. Not everyone has a brilliant, magical birth experience and that is reality.
Once I got to the hospital and spoke to the staff I began to panic that they would make me go on for days. By this point contractions were every 3 mins lasting for a minute or so. I struggled to be comfortable, struggled to keep calm. A midwife told us I would need a VE to assess if I was in labour and also to be hooked to a monitor to listen to baby. I insisted I didn't want to be poked and prodded I just needed the section. Obviously they couldnt just do that, but at that point all rational thought had gone. I had to wait to be seen by the doctor and in the meantime someone would perform a VE. As I waited I became more despondant, Justin and Evony were amazing in keeping me calm. Evony massaged me when I became really tense..... I would not have wanted to have been my birth support!
The VE confirmed Evony's findings.... my cervix couldn't be reached. I asked the midwife to stop, not seeing the point in trying to find what wasn't there. I now waited for the doctor. When he arrived he said ' It doesn't seem like your in labour so we would usually do nothing'. I think at this point I became hysterical and actually begged... I knew I was in labour, we were a few hours away from me being 24 hours of labour. I explained what happened with Reuben and how I couldn't do that again. At this point during a contraction he palpated my stomach...the only other person to have done that was Evony who also said it was labour, they were strong contractions. When he palpated he raised his eyebrows and said 'right, lets go and get this sorted.' I think even he was shocked once he had felt a contraction. I wanted to kiss him at this point, and instantly relaxed. I can't say I wasn't scared...no one relishes an operation but for me the alternative was far scarier. I can remember the lady who fitted the cannula telling me how well I was coping with labour...and at this point I felt awful. I signed the consent form and practically ran down to the theatre. I feel awful for feeling and thinking this way but I couldn't stand another birth like Reubens...it wasn't just about getting throught the birth for me it was also recovery. I took so long to recover from Reubens birth, it took me over a year and I suffered from PND. I couldn't put myself or my children through that again.
I don't regret my decision...I do believe that it would have been days and days, and I am 99% sure that it would never have happened vaginally for me. In some ways it has gone towards healing some of the pain of Reuben's birth...or at least stopped me questioning whether I could have done it. I now know that my body doesn't do birth, I will never know why, but thats the way it is. I know I sound blaze, but it hurts like hell. To think I will never experience how it feels to bring my babies into the world because my body won't do what its supposedly designed to do. I suppose the feeling of this could be likened to a man having his bits chopped off...it takes away all feeling of womanhood and I don't think I will ever get over this pain. I think I wanted a larger family too, I think had this gone well I would have had more children but now I never want to put myself through it again. I love both my children dearly and they were worth everything I went through but now I have my two sons and have gone through the most incredible journey this time, I feel its time to complete that part of my life. I have cuddled Leo and cried at the thought of this, but also smiled and kissed him for completing our family and arriving here safely and being so gorgeous!
I still have so much to process and work through...part of me wants to do this, part of me wants to completely bury it way back in my mind and never revisit it. I feel on the edge between being ok and grateful for what I have and also being angry, in grieving and sad for what could have been...and I would rather stay on the ok side, so will take my time and enjoy my children. One thing I refuse to do is beat myself up for years on end, I know from Reubens birth it will get me nowhere and rob me of enjoying my family to its fullest. So as the feelings come I will deal with them one by one and day by day.
Its not so much being upset over the birth experience I had, because it was positive in so many ways. It was more about grieving for the birth I had planned...it was beautiful and magical and perfect...but maybe it wasn't me.
I have to thank Alice and Evony for everything! This really has been a journey of women standing together, growing together and learning together. It feels like the end of an era which is upsetting! Alice's preparation antenatally was invaluable...hypnobirthing kept me calm and in control all the way through and I was proud of the way I handled the labour with that. Always on the end of the phone or quick to answer an email too, whenever I wobbled you were there so thank you! And Evony...I could never thank enough for the difference she made to our experience this time. I don't think it would have been so positive if it wasn't for her support and amazing advocating at the hospital. So warm, kind and caring at every stage....I can remember as they were completing the operation grabbing your arm, squeezing the crap out of it and thanking you over and over again. We were so happy you were there...both of you, to share our journey at its different stages. Yes, we could have done it on our own, but we would never choose to! It wouldn't have been the same without you and we have made friends for life which is something I truly treasure. You helped me to become empowered without ever taking over, and never ever judged us in any decision we made along the way, but fully supported us. I hope your are both proud of yourself for how you supported your clients, and please never ever think 'Did we do enough?' I think all of us did what we could. From going to a birth with little support, to going to a birth with the best support I would recommend people hire an IM/Doula every time. Even now, after the birth, you are both always there to listen to my rubbish on a daily basis...so in many ways I have been luckier then most!
* I should also add that my placenta was encapsulated by our lovely doula, and the benefits of this I could rave about! Increased my milk supply...needed for a big 9lb 7oz bubba! Reduced my bleeding to practically nothing and has definately kept my head above water in terms of baby blues! Breastfeeding is also going brilliantly, so at least its one thing I can do well! ;) x
Thank you for listening to our story xx
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